I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
