So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
