dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
