Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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