i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
