My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
