bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i drank out of a bidet.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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