I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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