i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
