We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
