Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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