Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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