why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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