My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
