I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
