You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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