For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize