You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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