either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize