Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
