yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
