I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
