I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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