4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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