would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
