if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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