I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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