Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
