alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
