The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
