Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
