And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
