Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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