In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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