On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
