in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
