i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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