you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
worst night to have a conscience
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
