You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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