I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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