yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
