I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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