we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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