So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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