I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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