My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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