I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
