you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
