I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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