Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
