she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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