Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
