You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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