lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
