y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
