yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
