I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
