Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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