Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
