Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I love having hate sex.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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